News - Salzburg statue not fit for a prince

A giant statue of a naked man with a two-foot erection caused a row in Salzburg after being exposed on the eve of a visit by Prince Charles, the heir to the British throne.

Salzburg mayor Heinz Schaden said he was horrified when he realised at the official unveiling on Friday what the sculptors had been installing.

He said it would be impossible for Prince Charles to avoid seeing the figure when he arrived in the city of Mozart’s birth for a weekend visit, and wanted it taken down immediately.

I can’t stress strongly enough how totally tasteless this is Salzburg mayor Heinz Schaden

The mayor said: “No-one asked me or my office for permission to put this up, and if they had, we would have said No.

“I can’t stress strongly enough how totally tasteless this is, and have demanded immediately that those responsible take it down.”

Viagra tribute

Called “Arc de Triomphe”, the statue by artists Ali Janka, Wolfgang Gantner, Tobias Urban and Florian Reither shows a naked man bending over backwards with his hands on the ground and an erect penis thrusting into the sky.

We didn’t do it to shock the prince Artist Ali Janka

The artwork was described as a tribute to Viagra and was unveiled in front of the Rupertinum Modern Art Gallery, 24 hours before Charles flew into the European cultural capital on a visit to the Salzburg Festival.

Artist Ali Janka said: “We didn’t do it to shock the prince and we hope he will get to see it. We think it’s beautiful and has a distinctly royal theme about it, with the majestic arch of the man bending over.

Prince Charles: Not a big fan of modern art

“It was a double honour for us to know that Charles would be going past and would see all our hard work.”

The festival, staged each year in the city of Mozart’s birth, is more famous for its operas, dramas and concerts rather than for shock art.

Charles, who made the trip with his companion Camilla Parker Bowles, flew into Salzburg late on Saturday afternoon by private jet and is expected to stay at least until Sunday.

Gala dinner

He was due to attend the official reception for the annual festival shortly after his arrival in the city, where he will be joined by Austrian President Thomas Klestil and Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg.

Afterwards he was due to be in the audience for a performance of Hector Berlioz’s Requiem in the large festival hall.

Prince Charles, who was invited by one of the festival’s main sponsors, 77-year-old New York publisher Donald Kahn, was also expected to attend a gala dinner on Saturday evening as one of 200 guests, before staying overnight in a hotel outside the city.

On Sunday he will appear at a cocktail reception held at the Felsen Riding School in the early evening before attending the opening night of the opera ‘Entfuehrung aus dem Serail’ (Abduction from the Seraglio) by Mozart.

The Salzburg festival starts on Saturday and ends traditionally on 31 August.

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Posted by on 09-30-2007 at 05:09 am
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News - Bogus ‘Viagra’ doctor is jailed

A bogus doctor who ran one of Europe’s biggest counterfeit Viagra factories has been jailed.

Allen Valentine’s business in Wembley, with a warehouse in Watford, could produce 500,000 tablets a day.

Harrow Crown Court heard on Friday the operation was “one of the largest illegal drug and pharmaceutical production operations in Europe”.

Valentine, 44, from Harrow, who admitted supplying class C drugs, was jailed for five-and-a-half years.

The court heard Valentine’s “sophisticated” international operation, which also churned out steroids and cartons of potentially dangerous anti-anxiety pills, risked the health of the public and is believed to have made him millions.

Viagra and diazepam are no longer the subject of jokes. They are for many people the constituents to restore normality to the value of living. Judge Barrington Black

Just 24 hours before he was arrested, the father-of-two offered 1.25m cash for a palatial mansion in one of the country’s most sought-after areas and arranged delivery of a new 26,500 Jeep Cherokee.

Valentine, of Kynaston Wood, pleaded guilty to conspiracy to supply Class C drugs between January 1, 2001 and April 21 this year, as well as two similar charges involving contraventions of the Trade Marks Act and
Medicines Act.

Passing sentence Judge Barrington Black told the drugs producer, a former sales rep for Viagra maker Pfizer, that he had traded on people’s need for a “normal life”.

‘Serious matter’

He said “considerable” sums were invested by pharmaceutical companies to develop products in a “controlled and safe” way.

“It is a serious matter when the public are hoodwinked to the extent that such products, although structurally akin to the correct ones, are being produced in an environment without the necessary precautions… in a makeshift and potentially dangerous manner.

“Viagra and diazepam are no longer the subject of jokes. They are for many people the constituents to restore normality to the value of living.”

Also imprisoned was Davin Pattni, 27, of Beverley Gardens, Stanmore, Middlesex, who got three years after pleading guilty to two of the conspiracy counts.

A third defendant, Paul Austin, 40, of Hampden Road, Harrow - regarded by police as a low level “gopher” - received an 18-month sentence suspended for two years for one of the conspiracy charges he had admitted.

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Posted by on 09-29-2007 at 04:09 am
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News - Spam messages on the increase

Junk mail now accounts for nearly 70% of e-mails worldwide, according to filtering firm MessageLabs.

Despite efforts in the US to cut down on the sending of unsolicited messages, new laws seem to be having the opposite effect.

Spammers are simply adapting rather than shutting up shop.

“The law goes part way to legitimise spam rather than outlaw it,” said Natasha Staley, information security analyst at MessageLabs.

Legal impact

April saw a sharp rise in the amount of spam heading for inboxes around the world, according to MessageLabs, and the overall trend is still up.

SPAM TRENDS 40% is healthcare related 37.8% is financial 12.8% is direct products 4.8% is pornography Source: Clearswift

“We expect global levels to reach 80% by the middle of the year,” Ms Staley told BBC News Online.

The US Can-Spam Act, which came into force at the beginning of the year, has been dismissed by experts as ineffectual.

Spammers can adhere to requirements such as providing a legitimate return address without it affecting their business practices.

“The law hasn’t had as much of an impact as we hoped. I imagine it will have to be revised as there are wide gaping holes,” said Ms Staley.

Global concerns

Despite spam being a global problem, Europe and the US are not singing from the same hymn book when it comes to legislation, said Ms Staley.

A combination of technology, legislation and the work of industry bodies such as Microsoft’s idea to charge one pence for all e-mail will all have an impact Natasha Staley, MessageLabs

The Can-Spam Act requires people to reply to e-mails in order to stop receiving them, while the EU favours a so-called opt-in clause, meaning individuals have to actively request commercial e-mails.

The fact that much of the spam is generated in the US renders the EU law ineffectual.

In March, AOL joined forces with Earthlink, Microsoft and Yahoo to pursue lawsuits against over a hundred of the worst spammers in the US.

“A combination of technology, legislation and the work of industry bodies such as Microsoft’s idea to charge one pence for all e-mail will all have an impact,” said Ms Staley.

Drugs not porn

There is some evidence that the nature of junk mail is changing.

According to content filtering firm Clearswift, spammers are abandoning porn for the more profitable area of financial spam.

Junk mail offering stock price tips, cheap loans and mortgages accounts for nearly 38% of all spam, while pornography accounts for just 5%.

Healthcare still leads the pack, with promises of Viagra, miracle diets and hair restorers still the spammers favourite, making up 40% of all junk mail.

It is estimated that spam costs US businesses $10 billion in 2003.

British businesses are around 3.2 billion out of pocket because of the amount of junk clogging up inboxes, according to MessageLabs.

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Posted by on 09-28-2007 at 04:09 am
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Sport - Hatton takes stock

“Me and (promoter) Frank Warren will sit down and discuss where we go from here and who the next challenger might be.

“Diego Corrales (the WBC and WBO lightweight champion) has been mentioned and hopefully it will be him in December.

“I still think the best is yet to come because I’ve only just got to my prime.

“There are so many great champions in the light welterweight division and I’m top of the tree now and they’re going to be gunning for me.

“I’m going over to the Arturo Gatti-Floyd Mayweather fight in Atlantic City and it will be nice to see a couple more of my rivals in the flesh.

“Tszyu was recognised as the undisputed champion but the belts are split up. Gatti’s (WBC) got one, Vivian Harris (WBA) has got one and Miguel Cotto (WBO) has got the other one - but we want the whole collection.

“It’s a great position to be in. I was reading the paper this morning and was called a ‘British boxing great’ and a ‘legend’.

I’ve proved I’m a great fighter - but how great still needs to be proved further Ricky Hatton

“I found it amusing to be honest - and obviously very pleasing that people hold me in such high esteem.

“The good thing was that (former light welterweight world champion) Sharmba Mitchell was knocked out in three rounds by Tszyu before me which showed he was far from a shot fighter.

“The best is yet to come. I’m still only 26, I’ve only just reached my peak and I hope I can continue to make my fans proud of me.

“A lot of people seem to think British boxing is on a bit of a downer. I find that a little bit flabbergasting when we’ve got Amir Khan, Joe Calzaghe, Scott Harrison and myself.

“But I hope I’ve done my fans proud, my family proud and the country proud because we beat one of the all-time greats and I couldn’t have done it without them.

“I’ve proved I’m a great fighter but how great still needs to be proved further.

“You don’t get judged on one fight, you get judged over a period. I’m not satisfied yet because there’s so much more I can do.

“I want the big fights, the unification fights straight away. Maybe I’ll stay for two to three years, and then get out.

“Hopefully I’ll have a job in boxing as a trainer or in the media and, if I’m still involved with the sport I love, I won’t be making any silly comebacks.”

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Posted by on 09-27-2007 at 04:09 am
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News - How to spot and stop spam

Unsolicited e-mails now infuriatingly clutter many inboxes, just as paper junk mail buried many a front door map. But is smart technology set to save us from spam?

To us humans, spam is very easy to spot.

Unfortunately to your computer one e-mail message looks very like another.

Without help it will see nothing special about the formatting in junk mail to distinguish it from the stuff you want to read.

Many anti-spam programs work by scanning e-mail messages for the keywords that spammers use, but your genuine friends tend to avoid.

Word list

But the spammers know this and use lots of tricks - some clever, some obvious - to fool the keyword spotters.

This explains the strangled spelling, strange spacing and replacement of some letters with numbers in words that the anti-spam programs are looking for.

“If you look at spam people hardly ever write the word Viagra anymore,” says Paul Graham, a US software guru who has spent a lot of time studying junk e-mail.

Viagra often spelled V-l-a-g-r-a online

The tricks spammers use mean that keyword filters will only ever be able to stop a small proportion of spam.

They will always catch the obvious ones but, if the list of keywords is too large, they start stopping real mail too.

Mr Graham thinks that for many users an anti-spam system that stopped legitimate mail was far worse than one that let all the proper mail through plus a bit of junk.

“You definitely want to err on the side of conservatism,” he says.

To do a better job of spotting spam, Mr Graham came up with a different technique that means he hardly ever sees junk mail anymore. “For me and all my friends spam is a solved problem.”

Gone for good

The technique goes by the formidable name of Bayesian Filtering and uses probability to work out if a mail is junk or real.

Current versions are 99.7% accurate at spotting. Other Bayesian filters, such as CRM114, do an even better job.

Paul Graham: spam scourge

This means that Mr Graham sees a couple of spams per week, instead of up to 150 every day without the filter.

The system is based around a huge corpus of junk and spam mails that Mr Graham gathered over a few months.

These thousands of messages have been statistically analysed to extract the top 15 features that define them as spam.

Any incoming mail is scanned to see how many of these defining characteristics it possesses.

The list of defining features includes some words, such as “teens”, but others were less obvious and include formatting codes and routing information found in e-mail headers.

Money maker

Mr Graham believes widespread use of Bayesian filters could destroy the spammers’ business model.

The sheer number of spam mail sent means that even tiny response rates, reportedly 0.0001%, means junk mailers turn a profit.

“I think filtering 90% will probably be enough to do it,” he said, “that would increase their costs by a factor of 10,” says Mr Graham.

A Monty Python sketch inspired the use of the word spam for junk mail

“Spammers are not really committed to being in the direct mail business.”

Others are not so sure that the spammers will ever stop.

“It is like an arms race where the spammers come up with new tricks and people come up with a new way to detect them,” says James Key, technology head at anti-spam firm Blackspider Technologies.

Mr Kay believes a combination of technology and legislation to make spamming illegal will be needed to beat back the tide of junk.

Certainly spammers must feel under siege at the moment.

US states are passing laws that outlaw spam, net service firms are filing lawsuits and installing basic filters. Some are even adopting Bayesian filters to spot the most obvious spam.

Who knows, one day soon spam might only ever be associated with processed meat.

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Posted by on 09-26-2007 at 04:09 am
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Sport - Quotes: Michael/Hide

I don’t mind if they think I’ve slept with Sheffield Wednesday
Singer George Michael sticks two fingers up to the press.

Don’t make me laugh! It’s the WBF belt - I heard they are giving them away with five litres of petrol down at Texaco
Herbie Hide reacts to news that Audley Harrison has won the world WBF heavyweight title.

Hello mum, I’m a bit busy at the moment - I’ll call you back
Jenson Button, who finished third in the Malaysian Grand Prix, has his press conference interrupted by a phone call from his mum. Well, it was Mother’s Day.

I’d rather have two Viagra pills!
Terry Biddlecombe, husband of Best Mate trainer Henrietta Knight, upon being asked whether he would be toasting the horse’s Gold Cup triumph with Champagne.

You had one last night!
Henrietta’s response to her husband. Too much information, Henrietta.

I used him as the shot-taker while I was coaching Tim Flowers but he missed the target so much I had to get rid of him!
Crystal Palace’s new goalkeeping coach Mike Kelly on his new boss Iain Dowie and their short-lived partnership at Southampton.

I am outraged and shocked that a compatriot of mine, Gordon Brown, has had the audacity to hold the budget in the middle of the Festival. The man has no soul!

Scottish Nationalist MP Alex Salmon reacts to the news that the Chancellor had decided to hold his budget on the Wednesday of the Cheltenham Festival.

Corey Collymore and Adam Sanford would not bowl my mum out

Geoff Boycott tells this website exactly what he thinks - just for a change.

We’re coming for you, France

I’m sorry to disappoint the crowds at Twickenham but I won’t be putting any Starsky and Hutch-style manoeuvres into action against Wales

England’s Matt Dawson.

Clearly that Neil Warnock’s not as daft as he looks!
Derby defender Michael Johnson on learning Rams striker Paul Peschisolido won’t be able to play against former club Sheffield United, after Blades boss Warnock insisted on a clause in his contract.

It was tense and I was dying for the toilet. As soon as Kevin scored, I went!
QPR boss Ian Holloway after the win over Wrexham. And you thought we’d forgotten about him this week - shame on you!

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Posted by on 09-25-2007 at 04:09 am
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Health Canada issues consumer warning not to use Zencore Tabs

OTTAWA (CP) - Consumers are being warned not to use Zencore Tabs - a product advertised as a dietary supplement for sexual enhancement, Health Canada said Saturday.

The federal health watchdog says it’s because it contains an undeclared ingredient similar to tadalafil, used for the treatment of erectile dysfunction.

Health Canada says the use of Zencore Tabs could pose serious health risks, especially for those with existing heart problems or those at risk of stroke. The agency says tadalafil combined with any nitrate medication could result in potentially life-threatening low blood pressure.
Read More »

Posted by on 09-24-2007 at 04:09 am
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News - The Lunchtime Bonus Question

The rules are simple. Every day at 1030 BST we give you an answer. You then tell us what the question was.

Marks are deducted for predictability, and a selection of your most wrong questions are published each day until about 1500 BST when the actual question is revealed.

The unfortunate winner of this week’s Lunchtime Achievement Award and thus the keyring was Jackie Day of Ilford for her alarmingly wrong question on Tuesday. Accepting her award she said: “It’s the result of growing up in the sixties.”

FRIDAY

Friday’s answer is “AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN IN HIS MID-EIGHTIES”

Entries are now closed. Wrong questions included:

A potential goldmine?
Charlotte Hetherington, London

When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother “What will I be? Will I be famous? Will I be rich?” Here’s what she said to me:
Charles Frean, Bedford, Massachusetts

What does Roger Daltry sing now? “I hope I die before I’m….
Patrick Rushton, Sheffield

The media world realised it had been taken for a ride when the “Belle de Jour” blogger was revealed to be…
Jack, London

Who’s that driving at 20mph on a beautiful day, on a clear road when I’m in a hurry?
Peter Hawkins, Weymouth

What’s the last thing you want to find behind the bike sheds?
Sarah, Swindon

The “Seven Ages of Man” novelty thermometer shows the temperature last weekend as being…
Chris Ford, Bristol, UK

“Well, hi, Gordon, I’m actually, y’know, planning to stay on until I’m ______”
Graham S, London

This morning I passed an OAP wearing a ‘Frankie Says Relax’ T-shirt carrying a Filofax and reading a copy of the ‘Today’ newspaper. I concluded that he was….
James Castle, Welwyn Garden City

There is no point in struggling, really - you know what you are after sorting your life’s problems?
Carlos Semedo, Manchester

Last Of The Summer Wine’s target audience?
Alexis, Bristol

How I picture Kip from Norwich.
Peter Olding, Bournemouth, UK

“Who’s your Daddy?”
Henry, London

For women who want some mild exercise, but don’t want to vacuum, try?
Martin Outlaw, Fareham

Media experts are predicting that the reality TV bubble will burst next year. Who is the bookies favorites to win Pop Idol 2005?
Ray Lashley, Bristol UK

If Noddy were real what would he be?
Lorna, Glasgow

Ladies, if you can’t marry for love marry what?
Ben, UK

Old New Romantic?
Chris Pritchett, Bristol, UK

What was the result of a mix-up at the cat cloning clinic?
James Elliott, Bristol, UK

Who only ever seems to reply to my speed-dating video?
Clare Daniele, Llandough

What will Des O’Connor be when he has his next child?
Angie, Newcastle Upon Tyne

What is the politically incorrect way of describing a young mature person?
Dave Godfrey, Swindon

He is dead now, but what was he 20 years ago?
Andy Cottier, London

Anna Nicole Smith WLTM……?
Kirsten , Bristol UK

Just the man for Alanis Morisette, who can be very 90?
Candace, New Jersey, US

What will I be before I win the LBQ keyring?
Graham, London

Online dating? Yeah I tried it once. No not that succesful, no. She wasn’t quite the blonde, busty sex kitten she claimed. She turned out to be a…

Andy Cottier, London

Who is England’s big hope for Wimbledon this summer?
Geoff Spick, Bournemouth, UK

Who’s that speaking “bod Frinch”?
Kip, Norwich

The Police release a description of the ‘Werthers Original’ robber?
Rob, Exeter

“You see, son, if you put aside some of your earnings each month, you’ll be able to buy your own home when you’re an …” ?
Alice Solomon, London, UK

All wrong. The correct question who did artist Stuart Pearson Wright get to model naked for the bare-chested part of his portrait of Prince Philip.

THURSDAY

Thursday’s answer is “A DOZEN STARBUCKS CUPS”

Entries are now closed. Wrong questions included:

The day after Newman’s day at Princeton University?
Candace, New Jersey, US

What do you need to catch 12 falling stars?
John, Leicester

What is a more discreet way of asking for a 96 ounce latte?
Candace, New Jersey, US

Possible cause of a wardrobe malfunction.

David, UK

Proof that product placement has gone too far, was confirmed when what new film title was chosen for the remake of The Dirty Dozen ?
Neil D, London

A Waker’s Dozen?
Nick Nevin, London, UK

An office worker’s dozen?

David, UK

Q: What’s the US’s new way of winning the Iraqi people’s hearts and minds?
A: For the hearts, a 6 boxes of milk tray, and for the minds….
Luke A, York

Coffee break for twelve angry men?
Kev, Cardiff

How to prevent kip in Norwich?
Mike Yeaman, Newcastle upon Tyne

I want to spend 18.00 on coffee; what can I get?
Dougie Lawson, Basingstoke, UK

A modern variation on the Last Supper could have Jesus breaking a Hot’n'Spicy pizza and the disciples drinking from what?
Ed, Plymouth, UK

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I decided it wasn’t true love after all. Why ?
Jim, Marlow

What did the cast of Ocean’s 12 use at break time?
John C, Oldham

What photo failed to be used in this week’s 10 things?
Si Purdy, Swansea

What do Britney, Whitney, Janet Jackson, Christina, Mariah and Madonna intend to use as breast adornment on their one-off sponsored concert?
Leanie, Tonbridge

The only thing actually finished by my kitchen decorator yesterday?
Matt Clancy, Staines

What does every student house in London own?
Alex E, Manchester

What beats a Pret a Manger plastic cutlery set in Top Trumps?
Peter Jones, Hull, UK

What is served at tea time on the Orient Expresso?
Chris Ford, Bristol, UK

Derren Brown’s latest stunt involves one coin and…
James Castle, Welwyn Garden City

The American SUVs come with claim of having enough cup holders for what?
Chris Davies, Lincoln, UK

The modern equivalent of 10 green bottles
Kevin Miller, Warrington, Cheshire

Conference call ? Some string and ……
Jason S, Southampton, UK

Today on Blue Peter, to make your advent crown, you’ll need….
Kevin Miller, Warrington, Cheshire

What can I fit in the luggage compartment of a Smart Car?
Chris Ford, Bristol, UK

A good season for Chelsea means winning what?
Peter Greenhill, London

All wrong. The correct question was what did the family of the late Alistair Cooke use to smuggle his ashes into New York’s Central Park so they could scatter them in accordance with the great man’s wishes (but against the park rules).

WEDNESDAY

Wednesday’s answer is “NOT FULL-GROWN EXACT REPLICAS”

Entries are now closed. Wrong questions included:

Evolution for dummies?
Nigel Greensitt, Walkden

The small print on those herbal Viagra wannabes?
Ainy, Baltimore, US

Honey, I duplicated the miniature baby (It went straight to video)
Andrew Culley, Grantham

Married life versus steamy dutch videos?
Stephen Buxton, Coventry, UK

What does the small print say on those illuminated pictorial menus found above the counter in fast food resaurants?
Pete, Blackburn

What’s the opposite of larger than life?
Alex E, anchester

The Stepford Daughters?
Charles Frean, Bedford, Massachusetts

Madame Tussauds, the early years?
Charles Frean, Bedford, Massachusetts

The youth of today?
Jess, Milton Keynes

Define a tabloid with a broadsheet newspaper.
Chris Ford, Bristol, UK

You know when you’ve been Bonsai’d…
Nick Nevin, London, UK

Russian dolls - discuss.
Robert Henson, Nottingham, UK

“I shall call him…Mini-Me. And I shall call the others…er…”
Edward Green, Oxford

Yes, I know you used centimeters instead of inches, and the Space Station didn’t fit together, and I don’t like your flippant excuse.
John, Leicester

Cellars and Rats is what to Dungeons and Dragons?
Steve, London

What were the grounds for divorce between Snow White and the Prince when their first child was born?
Chris Ford, Bristol, UK

What’s the difference between Little and Large?
Kiltie, Staffs, UK

So not 50 Diplomats then?
Mike F, Plymouth UK

Meet Sam & Frodo. They’re…
Jackie Thomson, Glasgow

What is the similarity between a secretive organisation which has no public accountabilty and the LBQ production team?
Stuart Collins, Aberdeen

If that’s a gherkin then I’ve been sold….?
Kate, London

Barbie and Ken versus Jordan and Peter Andre ?
Jo , London

A Smart Car versus a Land Rover ?
Jason S, Southampton, UK

The Matrix - Remortgaged with 12 kids?
Andrew Culley, Grantham

Why can’t I model myself on Candace?
Candy, Cardigan Bay, Wales

Design brief for a boy band?
Robin, Herts

Can I have a refund from the cloning clinic?
Dave Godfrey, Swindon

All wrong. The correct question was what were pet-lovers who were interested in having their cat cloned warned about the relationship between the clone and the original cat.

TUESDAY

Tuesday’s answer is “SOMETHING TO DECLARE”

Entries are now closed. Wrong questions included:

Ah, Mr. Jefferson. What brings you to Congress in such a hurry this morning?
Magnus Gustavsson, Linkping, Sweden

You still play Dungeons and Dragons?
Phil Welch, London

” “?
Brian Welsby, Bolton UK

What do you have when, waiting at the airport for your flight from Thailand, a suspicious looking gentleman wearing very dark sunglasses suddenly hugs you shouting “Mimi, it’s been so long! How I have missed you!”, and you’re sure you locked your case - but maybe not?
Cathryn Sheldon, Wolverhampton

What’s a little mouse with clogs on?
Jackie, Ilford

What will Samantha Marston never say she has again?
Alex Flowers, Derby

Town Crier required, GSOH, must have what?
Mike F, Plymouth UK

Oscar Wilde’s first draft?
Peter Jones, Hull, UK

War, what is it good for?
David Edwards, Bury St Edmunds

Why does Candace keep banging on about her new jersey?
Mike Yeaman (New cardigan), Newcastle upon Tyne

What’s the Customs and Excise equivalent of Alcoholics Anonymous called?
Robin Hughes, Cheadle, UK

What was Mr Blair urgently wanting when an irritating MP made UN bugging allegations?
Simon Pettigrew, Woking

Instructions on how to remove cream and chocolate icing from choux pastry?
James Castle, Welwyn Garden City

Which direction did the illiterate smuggler head in?
Steve, London

So is that a banana in your pocket or are you just pleased to see a customs agent?
Phill C, Sheffield, UK

West Indies reach three figures?
Steve, London

When the Adams family go through customs?
Ray Gray, London

Customs man to the Oscar Wilde impersonators club?
Suz, Grenoble

All wrong. The correct question was what did Neil Morrissey say had been the problem on his flight to the US. The something was too much red wine.

MONDAY

Monday’s answer is “AN UNINTENTIONALLY LUDDITE FANTASY”

Entries are now closed. Wrong questions included:

My bank has replaced digital automated cascading telephone response systems, with “a person”, I dreamt. Why?
Ross, Giggleswick, Yorkshire

Really wanting to win a Lunchtime Achievement Award keyring despite not owning a car is?
Michaela Veale, Runcorn

Breaking the pens and ripping up the papers of a sexy street-fundraiser?
Ainy, Baltimore, US

What was Alex’s refusal to use an online dictionary to look up Luddite?
David, UK

As a child, my pals and I would walk around with tin cans connected with string to speak to each other. There were no call charges, the network was never busy, we had unlimited ring tones, and we never ran out of credit. Why do I keep thinking of this?
Laurie, Alcester

See that new girl on the Babbage Calculating Engine over there? If her crinoline rides up any higher Ill be able to see her ankle.
Kip, Norwich UK

It’s still a double-plus ungood thought crime, intentional or not.
Ray Gray, London

What was the marmalade revolution?
Tim G, London, UK

I awake from a nightmare in which computers, the Internet and most terrifyingly, the LBQ no longer exsist. I spark up the PC, log on to answer and am reassured to discover that it was all……..?
Melissa, London

What do you mean you don’t have a mobile?
Amanda, Shibata, Japan

Texting by morse code?
John C, Oldham

Sitting round the open fire, burning our National ID cards
Liz Haslem, London

Why is my alarm clock broken?
Kieran Boyle, Oxford

Seeing as I’m not amazingly sure what a Luddite is, what was my fantasy?
Alex E, Manchester

Whatever happened to Dungeons & Dragons?
Mike, Aberdeen

Thoughts of taking an abacus to bed?

David, UK

Militant Amish?
Candace, New Jersey, US

Life in the 22nd Century - can I divorce my robot ?
Ian H , Manchester

Imagine there’s no Windows,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or anger,
A brotherhood of man
Matt Clancy, Staines

An I.T system that just works?
Tam, Ipswich

What is the little known subtitle to the song “If I Had A Hammer”?
David Edwards, Bury St Edmunds

Sabots and suspenders?
Mark, Paignton

Using pen and paper to write entries to LBQ.
Geoffrey Scott-Baker, Reading

I put it to you, Miss St. Clair, that being tied to a Spinning Jenny is one thing, but when the machine is accidentally smashed it becomes…
Guy Chapman, Reading, UK

Trying to install a wireless network card in your work-from-home PC, but ending up with a smouldering heap instead, is … ?
Brian Ritchie, Oxford, UK

What did I find myself enjoying on this morning’s packed Tube commute?
Duncan, London, UK

All wrong. The correct question was how has David Bowie described him and producer Tony Visconti devising the process of making a “mash-up”, that is recording different parts of a song in a number of styles.

Originaly from

Posted by on 09-23-2007 at 04:09 am
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News - The Lunchtime Limerick

Welcome to the Lunchtime Limerick, in which you supply the first line, and then you also supply the rest of the verse.

Winners, such as they are, are published throughout the week.

Entries are now closed but we’re accepting suggestions for next week’s first line, on the form below.

This week’s first line was supplied by Kip in Norwich:

A Dalek has feelings you know

A Dalek has feelings, you know,
It’s inside, their emotions they stow.
When cameras stop rolling,
A support group they’re holding,
To Davros they cannot let go.
David W, brighton

A Dalek has feelings you know,
They used to just shoot you and go,
Where once they were mindless,
They now kill with kindness,
It’s extermination but slow.
Richard Long, London E17

A Dalek has feelings you know
For a certain female UFO
She first caught his eye
Then his plunger - oh my!
Now she’s radiant, and he’s all a glow
Robin Watson, Barnsley, England

Daleks have feelings you know
I dated one not long ago
He was charming and witty
But oh, what a pity
He needed Viagra to go!
Norma Seal, Buffalo, New York USA

A Dalek has feelings you know
It’s a shame our opinion’s so low
They really love croquet,
Put flowers in a bouquet
And wrapping up gifts with a bow
Charlie, Brussels

A Dalek has feelings, you know
They all learn to knit and to sew.
Some brave ones transgress:
They slip into a dress
And impersonate Brigitte Bardot

Mike Laurie, Glasgow, Scotland

A Dalek has feelings you know
Though his progress is painfully slow
If you jog up the stairs
Or stand on some chairs
He’ll be hurt, ’cause he cannot follow.
Stephen Brooks, York, England

A Dalek has feelings, you know
From his head to the tip of his toe
He gives nature talks
Takes K9 for walks
Then exterminates all with one blow

John

A Dalek has feelings you know
As the new DVD tries to show
The BBFC
Thinking politically
Says kids shouldn’t watch - what a blow!
Tim Brookshaw, Chippenham, UK

A Dalek has feelings, you know.
It would love to live in a chateau.
Regrettably, there’s
A small problem with stairs.
The alternative’s a bungalow.
O.G.Nash, Doha, Qatar

A Dalek has feelings you know,
As do fans of the Doctor, and so
It drove them all barmy
To get not an army,
But just one tin teapot on show!
Tim G, London, UK

A Dalek has feelings you know
Said the Doctor his heart full of woe
I must be PC
And show it mercy
Perhaps counselling’s the way to go?
Chilli, Birmingham

A Dalek has feelings you know
Though ones of aggressive gung-ho
With gun and sink plunger
They’ll zap and expunge ‘yer
To smash the cosmic status quo
Liam Curran, Lewisham, London

A Dalek has feelings, you know,
And occasionally gets a warm glow,
When its sucker gyrates
And it exterminates
It’s just love that it’s trying to bestow
Alex Evans, Manchester

A Dalek has feelings you know
We’re really quite nice off the show
We relax with a drink
Or we sit there and think
Ways to keep our emotions in tow.
Dan Mullin, Mildenhall, England

A Dalek has feelings you know,
It’s not just metal machismo,
They’re soft and they’re sweet
When in private you meet,
Not at all like their public ego.
Alan Burgess, Amsterdam NL

A Dalek has feelings you know
It’s come as a terrible blow,
It’s said we scare tots
Unlike those robots
R2D2 and C3P0
The Rookster, Carshalton

A Dalek has feelings you know
His tormentor should get an ASBO
“Who” used such bad taste
With the last of that race
When he classified him UFO
Marion Raine, Durham

A Dalek has feelings, you know,
It’s a cultured and sensitive foe.
It plays decent tennis,
Spends weekends in Venice,
And likes a nice drop of Bordeaux.
Edward Green, Oxford, UK

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